insomnia

yana calls me as i'm failing to fall asleep. i'm convinced god inflicts insomnia on me for reasons undisputable. i'm not meant to have a job. yana told me to drink some chamomile tea with honey. it didn't help. as she rambles about her usual state of confusion that i delight in, things become clearer to me by the minute. i can't work like this. i want my old job back busking day in & day out. i miss my friends. i want to see yana. now that cesily's gone from keeping me company when this house was empty, my family on holiday in ohio, i myself am ready to go. my family is back and things are business as usual but it's nothing i want to get into.

when cesily was here i was working, up by 6:30 and out by 7. i'd come home in the afternoon and we would bake cakes and bread or lay naked in the backyard. sleep wasn't an issue. i've about 7 hours till the next shift. i wouldn't live like this. not again. not anymore.